Why You Might Be Missing Your Acquaintances

In general, people interact with about a dozen casual acquaintances every day. We may not even have conversations with these baristas or shopkeepers, but we get used to seeing them around. 

In the age of COVID-19, those once common interactions have mostly disappeared, and we might find ourselves missing people whose names we might not even know. Is that weird? Turns out, no. Growing bodies of research suggest that there are surprisingly powerful benefits to connecting with casual acquaintances, or “weak ties.”

While writing the “neighbors” chapter of my book, I interviewed sociologist Gillian Sandstrom, who started studying these relationships after finding comfort in being recognized by the man at the hot dog stand she would pass on her way to work. Here are my five key takeaways from our conversation.

1. Acquaintances can make you happier 

“We have strong ties, and they matter the most. They are the most important things for our happiness, our social relationships. But they are a lot of work. If you move to a new place or you get divorced or you start a new job, you don’t have a network, and it takes time to get there. Having nothing, and having strong ties—that’s a big gap between those two. But having all these people you are friendly with. They’re not going to be able to fill your needs in the same way as someone close to you can, but they go a long way in helping us feel okay about things. Having a network of weak ties sends a message—maybe you don’t have close ties right now, but it’s going to be okay because you can talk to all these other people.”

2. When it comes to talking to strangers, people often need a little help 

“I’ve pivoted from studying weak ties to talking to strangers, trying to understand what exactly people are worried about. Because people really don’t want to talk to strangers, for the most part. So, why? What do they think is going to happen? I’m trying to understand: how can I make it easier for people? How can I teach people to start conversations and keep them going, and end them when they want to. People want to connect, but they don’t exactly know how to start. So, we stick to the weather. However, by writing the thank you note, maybe you gave people a way to start a conversation that can go a little deeper.”

3. Fostering relationships with neighbors makes the world feel less scary

“I’ve been thinking about this feeling of belonging, what exactly does it mean, and I think it’s a general feeling of trust in other people. We have all these messages in the world telling us that it’s a scary place and that other people are up to no good. But there are also so many people in our lives who are just kind and don’t even need to be. It reminds us that people are generally okay. They’re pretty great. That feeling of trust—that I can actually count on other people—is important.”

4. There’s an art to talking to strangers 

“When I was growing up, I watched my father interact with virtually everyone he encountered. It was really annoying! Anywhere we went, he would talk to everybody, so it took three times as long as it needed to be. I think partly it’s because he was involved in a few different things. He was a teacher who taught in a few different schools, so he knew teacher people. He was into sports, so he knew tennis people, and running people. He was involved in so many different things that he seemed to know everybody. It didn’t just happen, though; he cultivates it. He’s very observant. He would start a conversation based on what someone was wearing. If someone was wearing a T-shirt for a race, that would be how he’d start a conversation. Oh, did you do that race? He’d always find a way to connect with other people. 

That’s where social media is actually helpful. If you post photos about a vacation, you might ask me about it! It just helps us start the conversation and get us somewhere faster, without talking about all the boring stuff first.”

5. Efficiency is overrated 

“Based on the Starbucks Study, we prioritize efficiency over social interaction, but there’s a cost. For example, in the grocery store, we can go to the automated checkout because it might feel (and actually be) faster. But with this efficiency also comes the lack of social interaction, and this happens more often than we realize. 

“I moved into my house 3-4 years ago. Everyone on the street moved in around the same time, so I would frequently run into my new neighbors. One kept saying, ‘We should have a party! Let’s do it one day. Let’s set a date.’ We did, and now we have a WhatsApp group for the mundane tasks that come with being a neighbor. Does anyone have milk? Does anyone need anything from the shop? Technically, it may save time to just do these things yourself and skip the step of asking. However, it diminishes an opportunity for social interaction. Plus, knowing that my neighbors will be there for me when I need them is a special kind of comfort.”